Google Glass? I’d Rather Get Laid

I was catching up with my super smart friend, Pär, who reminded me of a study that showed how iPhone users get laid more often than Android users. I currently use an iPhone and you know, on some level I think I can anecdotally corroborate that.

Ok well maybe you didn’t buy that study.

But what if the reverse were true, that say – being outed for owning a specific device actually resulted in getting laid measurably less? Lets say that was demonstrable. This hypothetical device will cause a woman or man, who might otherwise have found you attractive, to actively avoid you.

I mean, guys, seriously, would you use that device in public?  Be honest. Use this device and chances are, you will get laid less. Do you reach for it on your way out for drinks with friends? After all that time in the gym? Really.

“Well that depends.  What does this device do?” you ask.

You think that matters? Well, what would it have to do? That’s a better question. To make up for the likelihood that all the beautiful people across the club will see you with your Googly-eyed face brace, roll their eyes and laugh to their friends. It would obviously have to make up for a period of forced unogamy. That’s a tall order. For me that would have to be one hell of a device. It would have to feed my children – assuming I can start using the device only after I’ve had kids.

In reality this device will not feed your family, make you richer, or smarter, make you high, more attractive, or more fit, in fact this device won’t give you much more value than your smartphone already gives you today.  You’ll have one hand free more often. That, and you won’t get laid.  Ok, well, you can see where this leads.

Yes, of course I am referring to Google Glass.

The company that just announced a ban on any porn appearing on their little, winky, face screens.

Nice one guys. First you go all PR on steroids, Jedi mind-tricking a bunch of grown up dungeon-master, techie trend-nerds with a device that cements nights alone with a pint of Hagen Daz, and then add insult to injury by disabling the little visual stimuli they might need to tap their own hardware. Really nice.

Do no evil indeed.

Yeah yeah, Apple restricts porn too, but as we know, with an iPhone, you get laid more often.  So that all works itself out.

The problem is, you don’t use Glass, you wear it.  So like it or not, unlike its hand-held counterparts, it therefor, inexorably, falls (at least half-way) under the domain of fashion.  And fashion is about increasing your attractiveness and status.

Naturally Google has realized this and is rather desperately searching for a credible fashionable foothold – because if it’s not fashionable, honest to god fashionable, it’s doomed.

Indeed then, as unlikely as it sounds, I have to think that increasing your chances of getting laid is a Key Performance Indicator for Google Glass.

Perhaps the ultimate KPI. At least for the fashion-hopeful half of the product.

Perhaps you take issue with this idea that Glass is a full half fashion.

“It’s hardware. Utility!  Function!  Not Fashion!” you scream, and since I am writing this, your voice sounds all out of control and annoying.

No, a therapeutic, halo head stabilizer with screws is utilitarian and functional.  Google Glass is fashion of questionable value.

Not that anyone will buy glass to get laid (obviously) but if, as it intuitively seems to me based on the fact that 2.5 out of 700 people wearing Google Glasses don’t look like complete tools, Glass will obviously reduce your chances of getting laid.  If so, how likely is it that it will succeed?

Not very.

Those of you who argue that it won’t matter must be either comfortable in a very secure relationship or are, for whatever reason, already resigned to dipping into the Jergens.

Google Glass?  Meh, I’d rather get laid, thanks though.