Messages From The Future: There’s No Freaking iRing

Ok, look, I get it. Most of you don’t believe I’m from the future. It’s absurd, right? I know, believe me, I do. Fine. But you shouldn’t have to believe that to see how galactically stupid that iRing rumor is and conversely how sensible and likely this detailed description of Apple’s iTV is.

Today I checked to see how many of the media outlets picked up my accurate divulgence of the actual future of Apple’s actual, honest to god iTV, and what stories do you all run?

No, not the guy from the future who actually owned numerous iterations of future Apple’s iTV and described it in detail, no, you run with the complete Bozo’s made up goofball story about a ring and some crappy second screen, neither of which ever happens.

Really?!

No there was no ring. White, his imaginative source, and every media outlet that ran that rumor is just doing that hyperventilatey thing. A ring. I’m so sure. But it’s amusing how you can hear the mental wheels slowly turning on this one.

Imagine a pair of small eyes blinking with each weak spark of a synapse:

Blink.
“Apple watch?”
Blink.
“That would be so cool. I want an Apple watch.”
Blink.
“Gee, maybe Apple will make other fashion accessories too… With technology built in.”
Blink.
“Like… A necklace… Or…
Blink.
“… a ring!”
Blink.
“Yeah! I mean, I don’t know why they would make a rin… ”
Blink.
Gasps as a weensy lightning bolt strikes. Blink blink.

” …gestures!”

And this, people, was the entire scientific basis for yesterday’s completely bogus Apple TV rumor about a ring.

And this thing about a second screen that will -omg- let you take the show with you as you walk around the house!

Fine, don’t believe I’m from the future and actually saw how it all worked. But come on, since when has Apple ever created a crappy, hobbled device? This makes no sense no matter your historic reference.
Apple would never – ever – want a semi-functional pseudo iPad replacement in the world (even if its called a “remote”). One that does a little of what iPad can do, but that you can’t do most other iPad stuff on. That’s stupid. Apple’s actual iTV worked because it fit into their ecosystem. It encouraged sales of iPads and Minis and iPhone Pluses. Apple is not afraid to bite that bullet, the one where the amazing new device (iTV) works perfectly fine with a simple, screen-less remote, but so much better if you own an iDevice. Because, news flash, jillions of people own iPads and they generally buy the first iTVs anyway. The only people who complained about needing an iDevice were Android users.
It’s so simple, this. And I mean, maybe being from the future gives me some added confidence to say “c’mon, surely you have to see this!” But c’mon, surely you have to see this!

So for crying out loud, read my last post. It was long, I know, and trust me, it could have been a lot longer, there were screens and states I couldn’t possibly describe coherently in the flow, but I assumed you would want to know with reasonable accuracy what an iTV really turns out to be.

And I know because I’m from the future.